Real Time Heal

Its not often I post in the midst of struggling with something in real time. However, thought it might resonate with folks. Real time: a family member I struggle with is here visiting. I doubt they will read this blog post, because there is not much interest in my life or work so I don’t have a real fear they will read this. I picked them up at the airport, and we went to a coffee shop for lunch. As we were standing in line I asked her to go ahead and order first and I would go next. Suddenly she turns around and says, “so i guess you’re not going to pay for my lunch as a belated birthday gift.” Passive agressive much. I was feeling a bit defensive and taken off gaurd so I didn’t say anything really and let her go ahead and pay for herself and then ordered. Then she says, while we are still in line, “and why don’t you ever get me anything for my birthday anyways, what is that about.” I didn’t feel it was the time to be having this conversation with a line behind us. Needless to say it was uncomfortable.

To be honest, I felt a bit in freeze mode and do not remember word for word the conversation. What I do remember is asking why she chose to put me on the spot in line, instead of clarifying her expectations ahead of time. Apparently I had written in a bday card months ago that I would take her to lunch. Honestly I don’t remember writing that. I said as much and she proceeded to say: "well don’t put it in a card if you’re not going to follow through.” I finally adressed it seemed she has some expectation for me to remember every detail (when she certaintly does not remember every detail of my life; for the first year I started my buisness she would ask what my hours were,etc. ) There are also alot of double standards in this dynamic but thats for a different post.

I said I thought her expectations were inappropriate given the dynamic of the relationship and she continued to harp on being hurt I didn’t buy her a gift. The last time I took the time to handmake something for this person, took me weeks, etc, she said “well I’m not going to use this so you can probably just have it back.” That didn’t really encourage me to do any more gift giving. I’m not a gift giver in general. I don’t give them to my husband, friends, etc. I give the gift of time, or experience, etc. I do give gifts to my children because they are my kids! I explained as much and she just said, “well I like gifts and I give them to you” To which I pointed out, I did not expect them, it was her choice to give them.

Did I handle this well? I don’t know, probably as best I could given the surprise of it. Did it throw me for a loop? Yes! Not a great way to start a visit. I think my nervous system was out of whack for the next few hours, since then here is how I’ve handled what I would call some passive agressive and inappropriate expectations. I don’t say this to villanize this family member, just give context and give suggestions for how to deal with things in the moment.

-I apologized for forgetting what I said in my card, and asked for a bit of grace.

-I pointed out her expectations seemed inappropriate and unfair given she hadn’t voiced them to me clearly.

- I took some space away from her outside when I got home.

-I baked something (this is soothing to me and gives me a sense of control and accomplishment).

-I reminded my inner child there is nothing wrong with me, I havn’t done anything wrong, and I’m not taking responsibility where its not appropriate. I’m not responsible for meeting other peoples unspoken expectations.

-I will continue to take care of myself by taking space when I need, getting a hug from my husband when he gets home, and doing some bilateral tapping with messaging “I havn’t done anything wrong.”

-I will process with my therapist when I see her in a few weeks.

Hope this helps those of you who may be dealing with difficult family members this holiday weekend.